Unseen and Unspoken complexities of Motherhood and the Mental Load it causes
In parenthood, the Mom's role often extends far beyond the visible tasks of feeding, bathing, and nurturing the kids. Beneath it all, there exists an intricate and often overwhelming burden known as the "mental load." This subtle yet substantial burden encompasses the countless thoughts, responsibilities, and decisions that us Moms carry on our shoulders, often unnoticed and unspoken.
In this blog, I try to define a mother's mental load, explain in my opinion why we are saddled with this load, and explore strategies to address and alleviate this silent weight.
What is Mental Load, you ask?
It's the ethereal force that silently orchestrates the intricate dance of household and childcare management. It's the unsung hero, often falling upon the shoulders of mothers.
But it's high time we recognize this phenomenon for what it truly is: Cognitive Labor.
Moms are the project managers and planners of the most important project of all - our homes and children.
In 2019, Allison Daminger outlined four pivotal stages of cognitive labor related to household tasks. It's a process we all know too well. Anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding the best course of action, and monitoring the results - these are the constant hum in the background of every mom's daily life.
It is the never-ending to-do list in our heads, researching parenting styles or how to best communicate with our kids, keeping tabs on everyone's activities, telling other family members (mostly our hubbies) what to do or how to do things or where to find things around the house . It involves remembering everything that needs to be done and making sure it gets done on time.
On top of that, it encompasses all of the additional tasks that go into raising kids like:
- playdates
-doctors' appointments
-school trips
- remembering and planning birthday parties
- planning family vacations
I mean, I can go on and on but you catch my drift.
Now you might be wondering, why does this load mainly fall on my shoulders?
That's a great question sis, now I am not an expert, just a mom offering her two cents.
Here's the scoop based on research and a dash of personal perspective:
1. It's Expected of us: Society has, for too long, expected mothers to be the primary caregivers.
These expectations, rooted in outdated beliefs, have lingered in our culture.
It's time to dispel the myth that women are biologically or inherently better at multitasking. The truth is, we've become better at it simply because we've been conditioned to shoulder the burden. Let's challenge these societal norms together. Because girl, these societal expectations are too heavy.
2. We Judge Each Other: Mothers face an unforgiving judgment from others and themselves. We're held accountable for every minor mishap, even when it's beyond our control. The "you should have done better" chorus is all too familiar. But remember, we're all in this together, and compassion goes a long way in easing this burden.
3. We Have High Expectations of Ourselves: We often believe that being a good mother means being superhuman, attending to our child's every need without fail. The pressure to be present for every event, every bedtime, and every moment is overwhelming. We must acknowledge that it's okay to take a step back and prioritize self-care.
So, where do we go from here? How can we break free from this cycle?
It starts with you, dear mamas!
Give Yourself Grace: Recognize that you can't do it all, and that's perfectly okay. Embrace imperfection as a sign of being human, not a failure.
Support, Don't Judge: Instead of critiquing other moms, extend a hand of help or words of encouragement. We're all navigating this journey together.
Share the Load: Communication is key. Talk to your partner about your struggles and strive to create a more balanced partnership.
Remember, change begins with acknowledging the load, empowering yourself, and fostering a supportive environment. Embrace this journey, and you'll find that together, we can redefine the norms and share the mental load more equitably.
References:
The cognitive dimension of household labor - Allison Daminger 2019
Putting a stereotype to the test: The case of gender differences in multitasking costs in task- switching and dual-task situations - Hirsch et al 2019
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